ANTICIPATING A LOSS?
What is grief?
Grief is a natural response to the loss of someone or something that we care about. Grief can include a variety of thoughts and feelings, sometimes intense and overwhelming. Each person experiences grief in their own unique way. There is no right or wrong way to grieve.
Mourning is the external expression of our grief experience. This can include physical displays of sadness or a celebration of life. Rituals such as a “Walk of Life”, funerals and memorial events are other ways to mourn a loss. You and your loved ones will decide how to make meaning of the loss that has occurred.
Bereavement is the period of loss after a death has occurred. Grief does not follow a predictable order of how your experience will unfold. Be kind to yourself and allow yourself the time and care you need to experience what comes up for you.
What am I experiencing?
Whether you are anticipating the loss of a loved one or a death has occurred, you will be faced with a range of emotions that can present suddenly or linger after the immediate loss. Some examples of what you may experience are listed below. This is not an exhaustive list as each person’s experience is unique to them.
Emotional – sadness, shock, anger, fear, guilt, or numbness
Cognitive – poor concentration, forgetfulness, or racing thoughts
Social – avoidance, withdrawal or isolation from social relationships
Physical – fatigue, loss of appetite, muscle aches and pains, headaches, stomach upset, sleep disturbances, or difficulty breathing
Spiritual – loss of faith, strengthening of faith or questioning the meaning of life
Over time, the intensity and severity of your grief responses will lessen. However, if you continue to experience intense emotions that interrupt your day-to-day life after six months, speak to your primary care provider about additional support.
What can I do?
There are some practical steps you can take to help prepare for a death and make life more manageable later. You can take care of the will, make funeral arrangements, notify family and friends or focus on the time you have left with the person. Together, you might think about a family event or activity that will celebrate their life. Feelings of sadness, guilt or disbelief are normal when preparing for the death of someone who is still alive.
Take your cue from the person who is dying. Each person has different needs at end-of-life. Some may want to discuss unfinished business, while others may not wish to talk at all. Respect the person’s choices, including who they want to visit and how often they will have visitors. Family tension is common during this time. Keep disagreements away from the bedside. Care providers can help by arranging a family meeting to ensure everyone is on the same page.
Involve children as much as they would like. Remember that children typically grieve in short periods followed by regular activity. If possible, plan shorter visits or offer them a space to sit or play away from the bedside. Children are intuitive and will pick up cues from those around them. Honesty is the best approach with children and youth. Keeping information from them may feel like you are protecting them but often just increases their worry and fosters mistrust.
When to ask for help.
You don’t have to face this alone. Friends and family usually want to help in some way with practical tasks. Allow them to contribute in ways that are meaningful to them, while you relieve some of your own responsibilities. If you are feeling overwhelmed with phone calls, emails and text messages, try appointing a family member or friend to be the point of contact for others.
Don’t be afraid to talk about your feelings with your loved one and others. Often, they feel similar responses to the anticipated loss and are afraid to start the conversation. External expressions of grief are a healthy response to loss and will help you make meaning of what is happening.
The Hospice care team is also available to help you during this difficult time. By taking away some or all the care tasks, you can focus on being present for your loved one. The care team includes a social worker, who is available to sit with you one-to-one or as a family to talk about the impending death. The social worker can provide you with coping strategies, help make plans to honour your loved one or can provide you with a quiet place to reflect.
Preparing for a death.
Saying goodbye is important to many people facing the death of a loved one. You may want to talk about what this experience has meant to you. Don’t delay offering or asking for forgiveness if you are feeling there is unfinished business between you. Offer and accept love unconditionally. Tears are a natural and healing release of sadness. Reassure your loved one that you and your family will be okay.
Circumstances such as fatigue, distance or other familial obligations can impact whether we are present at the time of death. Sometimes the dying person appears to choose when no one is present or when a certain person has arrived. Keep in mind that your relationship with your loved one goes beyond those last hours or days together. Take comfort in the memories you have built together.
You may feel a sense of peace, or you may experience shock at the news of your loved one’s death. If you are struggling, reach out and ask for help from our care team or your family and friends. Allow yourself the space and time to grieve and mourn this loss. Spiritual or religious practices may be important to you and your loved one at the time of death and the days afterwards. Please share these with the care team ahead of time so we can support you.
We are here for you.
After a death has occurred, there may be practical tasks that need to be completed such as notifying family and friends, planning a service or collecting personal belongings from the Hospice. You may have had time to prepare in advance of the death and are feeling relieved or restless with fewer things to do. Each person experiences grief in their own way. Do what feels right for you and tell others when you need more or less of their assistance.
However prepared we may be for a death, feelings of sadness, regret, anger or guilt are normal responses in the days and months afterwards. While many of us receive the emotional support and care we need from our social network, you may find that you are having difficult emotions or struggling to reveal the depth of your grief among family and friends.
Mariposa House offers grief and bereavement support to meet the needs of our residents and their supported family and friends. Whether you would like a one-time visit or scheduled sessions, our Supportive Care social worker is here for you. During the days leading up to the death, you can stop by the office during pre-posted times for 1:1 support or join other family caregivers for a coffee or tea during our drop-in group. A structured bereavement support group is also available several times per year for family members of past residents. Pre-registration is required.
Questions?
Please call us at 705-558-2888 x 208 or email us.
References
Victoria Hospice: Information and resources for caregivers (victoriahospice.org)
MyGrief.ca: Grieving before the loss: Module overview: Introduction (mygrief.ca)